I Didn't Raise You to Be This Way: Miami Style

By Miguel Brown M.S.Ed., LMFT

Adolescent Psychotherapy Specialist

I hear this phrase so often that I thought it was time to write about it. This deeply meaningful sentiment, "I didn't raise you to be this way," says so much. It evokes our hopes and dreams for our children while exposing the limits of our power to guide and shape our teenagers. There’s profound disappointment in this sentence. It combines disappointment in ourselves for not meeting our own expectations as parents and disappointment in the loss of the cherished fantasy about who our teenagers really are.

When I hear this sentence, I also see desperation, fear, anger, sadness, and shame in the faces of parents. It’s as if they are saying to their teenagers: "I've failed you, and now look at you. Your problems and character flaws are my fault." Or, "I've tried to give you the best so you could grow up right, but nothing was enough. I'm deeply disappointed you didn't turn out the way I hoped. You've let me down." What a huge feeling!

The Complexity of Parenting in Miami

In Miami, this sentiment is even more complicated. It involves cultural, generational, and family history aspects. Many parents born and raised in Latin America have a common fantasy. They believe they can instill the values and culture of their homeland into their child, who is growing up in the U.S. When those kids grow into teenagers who are more Miamian and American than anything else, it can lead to a profound feeling of failure.

Despite all the well-intentioned efforts, parents can feel like foreigners to their own children. Misunderstandings, value differences, and things lost in translation can create a significant divide. "I didn't raise you to listen to that kind of music and dress like that. I didn't raise you to think that way about the church. I didn't raise you to think that smoking weed is okay. I didn't raise you to talk to me like you're my equal. I didn't raise you to feel this way about school, tattoos, or those people. I didn't raise you to be this way!" What a tremendous feeling of fear, distance, and powerlessness!

The Path to Healing

But there’s good news. The deep pain that gives rise to this sentence was always going to happen. Indeed, it needs to happen before a real relationship with who your teenager truly is becomes possible. The very act of feeling and expressing these sentiments sets up a different future relationship that can enrich and heal both you and your teenager. In other words, you haven't really failed, and they haven't really let you down.

Parents, please remember this simple and true fact: the whole of Miami has been raising your child along with you. They couldn't help but absorb everything around them. Some of that came from you, but a lot of it did not. This doesn't mean you failed to protect them. It means you allowed them the experiences they needed to adapt to the realities of their environment. This is what well-adjusted, healthy children do, and you were part of that. In this way, your teenager has come through for you beautifully!

This reality might differ from what you imagined, but it was what needed to happen. Grieving the loss of the fantasy of how you "raised them to be" and embracing the way they really are sets up a relationship you can both be proud of. It might not be what you were hoping for, but there are very good things to be had in this real relationship.

Getting to Know Your Teenager

Having a teenager who didn't turn out the way you thought puts you in a unique position. You can start a process of getting to know them without assumptions. Ask them to explain how they understand things and why. Share with them how you learned about these topics. Do this with curiosity and suspend your judgment.

Parents and their teenagers often discover that there are perfectly understandable reasons why they think the way they do, even if they might disagree. Getting to know your teenager this way is much more satisfying than trying to bend them to fit your expectations. Teenagers resist being molded in that way, which can provoke rebellious behavior and relational damage.

By accepting that some of the work of parenting has been completed by the time they become teenagers, we can close that chapter and open ourselves up to new possibilities.

Embracing Change

At the end of the day, our teenagers were always going to become their own person, regardless of our plans. This is not a failure or a letdown; it’s an invitation to heal, to understand, and to learn. Let your teenager be who they are, and insist that they allow you to be who you are. Together, you can mutually enrich each other as a result.

Navigating the complexities of parenting in Miami can be challenging. However, it’s essential to recognize that you are not alone in this journey. Many parents share similar experiences and feelings. By embracing the reality of your teenager's identity, you can foster a deeper connection and understanding.

In conclusion, remember that the phrase "I didn't raise you to be this way" reflects a moment of vulnerability. It highlights the challenges of parenting in a diverse and evolving environment. Embrace this opportunity to grow together with your teenager. Your relationship can become a source of strength and support for both of you.