5 Ways to Connect with your Teen

By Miguel Brown M.S.Ed, LMFT

1. Don't Try to Fix Their Problems

It may be hard to get your head around the idea but when your teenager is complaining about a problem they don’t really want you to fix it. They want you to listen and understand them as well as you can. Often times this is enough. Problems feel more manageable when they are fully expressed in confidence. Solutions become apparent or what seemed so important before just doesn’t matter that much anymore. Giving advice or trying to fix your teenager’s problem for them interferes with this process. This is a technique that I often use in the counseling room and I have found it very useful. There’s no reason it can’t work for you too. In addition, consider the implicit message that goes along with giving advice or fixing your teenager’s problems for them. The message is something like: You are incapable of figuring out how to address this problem so I will tell what to do or I will do it for you. The best time for humans to learn to solve complex life and social problems is during the teenage years. It’s a great time for them to learn! Fixing their problems robs them of the practice they need to improve their life skills. On the other hand what message is being sent when you listen, understand but refuse to fix their problems for them? The message is something like this: You are important enough to me that I will try very hard to listen and understand what you have to say about this. At the same time you need to develop the abilities to solve your problems without me. It’s an empowering message that helps develop your teen’s sense that they have the ability to address their own issues. If this message is not sent enough teenagers may develop into adults who easily fall into despair and do not trust themselves to know what to do to solve their own problems.

2. Learn How to Make Them Feel Understood

   
   

   There is a formula to this skill. Learn the formula basics and then you can adapt it to your own style and personality.

First, give them your full attention.

This is as simple as it sounds but it deserves mention. When you are talking to your teenager be present in the moment with them. Sit down together and only talk to each other. Emotionally meaningful conversations do not happen while you’re doing something else like cleaning, texting, reading, watching T.V., or speaking with another person. Carve out some time and space for your teenager and insist that they do the same.

Second, be mindful of your facial expression and body language.

Your face should communicate warmth, genuine concern and softness. Your body language should communicate the same. Avoid furrowing your brow too much. Keep your lips loose and try not to squint your eyes. Don’t cross your arms and don’t lean into whoever you’re talking too. Try to be at the same level with your teen physically. This means being eye to eye and not standing over them. Bad facial and body communication can stop an attempt to confide in you before it starts.

Third, be a mirror for your teenager's thoughts and emotions.

Ask your teenagers open-ended questions about their concerns. An open-ended question is a question that cannot be answered by a yes or no. When they answer listen carefully and instead of telling them what you think about what they say reflect back to them their emotion and their thoughts in your own words. If they do not answer reflect the emotion you see in them. It could be sadness, anger, frustration or a variety of other intense emotions. An example would sound something like this: “You’re not answering but I see a lot of sadness in your face.” Remember, mirrors do not judge. Just help your teenagers sort out what they are feeling and thinking. Occasionally throughout the conversation try to sum up everything you understand your teenager saying and ask them if you’re right and what they would like to clarify. At all costs avoid trying to convince your teenager that they shouldn’t be feeling what they are feeling. Be there and accept their thoughts and emotions as their own personal truth, even if you know for certain they are dead wrong. As a final note on this point become comfortable with silences. Teenagers often need more time to organize their thoughts than adults. Give them this opportunity without insisting they continue. If you suspect they are becoming stuck gently encourage them to continue.

3. Make Sure to Express Love and Support

Sometimes I hear parents say something like this, “My kid knows I love him/her.” The hard truth is that if you have trouble expressing positive loving feelings for your teenager odds are they don’t know that. They might even think you hate them. For parents who have a difficult time with this it is especially important to learn how to express love in a healthy way that can be accepted by your teenager. Please do not assume that they know you love them. Expressing love physically can be very powerful for teenagers. There’s nothing like hugs and kisses to reassure your teen of how important they are to you. Some teenagers love it and some aren’t crazy about it but either way the message gets through. Having an emotional conversation about what your teenager means to you is also a powerful way to reconnect with them. Be open and genuine during this conversation and don’t be afraid to get emotional.

WORD OF WARNING: It is common for teenagers to respond positively to physical and verbal expressions of love. Parents can sometime be pleasantly surprised to find their teenagers so receptive to what they are saying and take the opportunity to address disciplinary issues and other sore spots that their teenagers usually do whatever they can to avoid. Beware of this pitfall! Let the conversation stand on its own. Trying to work in some advice or asking them to improve something about their attitude or behavior can be perceived as manipulative and can undo the positive effects of a sincere expression of love. Leave those conversations for later.

4. Let Them Make Mistakes

It can be very painful when you see your teenager getting involved in something that you know has all the chances in the world to turn out badly and end up hurting them. Part of connecting with your teenager is respecting them enough to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. Of course, this does not apply to more serious issues such as drug abuse and risky sexual behavior. But for the lighter stuff its ok to let you teenager fall right on their face. Often parents realize through counseling that not letting their teen fail or get hurt has a lot more to do with their own issues than the particulars of their teenager’s situation. The reality is that allowing teenagers to make mistakes and then helping them through it is helpful for their maturation process. And again, the teenage years are the best years to make these mistakes. They still have you around to help them through it. What we want to avoid here is them learning the hard way as adults when you are no longer there to support them in the same way, for example, if they chose to go away to college. Letting them make mistakes as a teenager helps to strengthen them for adulthood.

5. Never Attack Their Character or Personality

You have all the right in the world to criticize and discipline your teenager for their actions. You should never attack them for who they are. Attacking a teenager’s personality and character is a recipe for low self-esteem and future resentment towards you. Besides physical and verbal abuse it is one of the worse things you can do as a parent. Children usually idealize their parents when they are younger and it is during this time that they incorporate a healthy sense of self-esteem. This is a complex process whereby they internalize a good sense of themselves because they identify with their parents and their parents love them, so they also love themselves. Part of growing up is realizing that your parents are not perfect. During adolescence teenagers also separate emotionally from their parents but remnants of what they accomplished in their childhood regarding self-esteem persist. Attacking your teenager for who they are damages this process. In many ways teenagers are still very attached to the parents, although they may not show it, and if they get the impression through attacks on their character that their parents think less of them than before so will they. They will think less of themselves because they perceive you doing it. As teenagers turn into adults and they are able to make sense of what happened when they were teenagers they will almost certainly harbor resentment towards you. Obviously this can damage your relationship with your adult children. Punish, discipline and criticize for actions but always be sure that your teenager knows that no matter what they do, you hold them in high regard as a person.